I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
