My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
