I accidentally burped into my bong.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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