my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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