I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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