look no pants
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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