also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
