I wish my penis had an off switch
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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