a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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