just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
