My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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