My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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