someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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