OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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