New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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