I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
