Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
