his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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