I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
