I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
