I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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