whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
