Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just come out here and I will go home with you...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Randomize
