you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
