My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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