the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
