It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
