Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
did i just pee glitter
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
