if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
