the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You can't just leave with hair like that
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
