The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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