She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
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