Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
