its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
