I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize