i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
