I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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