yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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