Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
