Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
