I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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