Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
