Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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