I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
