I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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