You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
