He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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