What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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