When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
