So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
