She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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