You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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