you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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