At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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